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Dogbert Answers RTV Email Letter Number 1
Diehard fans of the Dilbert comic strip know that all inane letters to author Scott Adams are answered by his razor-witted creation, Dogbert. Rick, Brad, and Mark thought it would be really cool if they could solicit Dogbert to do the same for them - and then realized that Dogbert is only a cartoon character. But if Dogbert were available to answer RTV email, we believe it would look something like the responses shown below:
e-Commerce
During May of 2002 we received a series of invitations to join a network of 'Internet Malls'. We weren't especially impressed with the research done by the marketing firm contacting us, so we passed, and told them so. By the third letter, the Director of Marketing (her job appears to consist of surfing the Internet) started to sound a little like a jilted girlfriend. Her persistence required that we ask Dogbert to intervene. Here is the third letter:
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Hi,
Over the last couple weeks, I have sent you 2 other emails and have not heard back from you. I just wanted to try to contact you one last time.
I am considering giving you a free listing on our malls, we have 6 that get over 2 million hits per month. I also have some other ideas for you as well. You can check out one of our malls at http://www.4GreatBuys.com
If you are interested in discussing how we may work together, please respond with the best contact number and I will call you. You can also reach me at 425-882-8838. If I do not hear back from you, I will simply wish you luck and will not contact you again in the future.
Have A Great Day!
Wishing You Success,
Naomi Haragucci
Director, Marketing Services
Redmond, WA
naomi@internetadvancement.com
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Dogbert replies:
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Dear Ms Hairytushy -
Please reference the attached reply sent to you after the previous two emails you sent to Rocket Team Vatsaas:
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Naomi -
I appreciate your offer to include our web site in your Internet mall. It would be an attractive opportunity, but our web site does not offer any items for sale.
Good luck.
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I apologize for the lack of clarity in this response. The Vatsaas brothers obviously do not understand the proper way to dialog with an aggressive marketing professional such as yourself. Allow me to translate this correspondence into common business vernacular:
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Re: Joint venture proposal
This reply is pursuant to your high-impact proposition to proactively leverage an authoritative merging of mission-critical global E-commerce synergies. Concentrated examination of existing capabilities, meta-services, deliverables, resources, and virtual technologies indicate acceptance of this networking opportunity could potentially deplete current available methods of empowerment due to insufficient infrastructure required for enabling catalysts of change.
Bottom-line evaluation necessitates that RTV must forego a near-term paradigm realignment of our non-commerce strategic model.
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I trust this response communicates their intent more clearly. And a piece of advice learned from personal experience - barking up the wrong tree, while enjoyable, is a complete waste of time.
Sincerely, Dogbert
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