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Dogbert Answers RTV Email Letter Number 5
Diehard fans of the Dilbert comic strip know that all inane letters to author Scott Adams are answered by his razor-witted creation, Dogbert. Rick, Brad, and Mark thought it would be really cool if they could solicit Dogbert to do the same for them - and then realized that Dogbert is only a cartoon character. But if Dogbert were available to answer RTV email, we believe it would look something like the responses shown below:
Support the Orphans of Angolan Freedom Fighters!
If you have never received a solicitation like this one, consider yourself lucky. The goal of these scams range from
"merely" draining your savings account to luring you to an African country where you are kidnapped and held ransom.
Here is a typical example that I received one day:
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From: "SANDRA SAVIMBI" (the address is no longer valid)
To: rtv@vatsaas.org
Sent: Tuesday, June 18, 2002 6:13 PM
Dear Friend,
This letter may come to you as a surprise due to the fact that we have
not yet met. The message could be strange but reel if you pay some
attention to it. I could have notified you about it at least for the sake of
your
integrity. Please accept my sincere apologies. In bringing this message
of goodwill to you, I have to say that I have no intentions of causing
you any pains.
I am Ms. Sandra savimbi, daughter of the late rebel leader Jonas savimbi
of Angola who was killed on the 22nd of febuary 2002 . I managed to get
your contact details through "The World Business Journal", a journal
of the Johannesburg Chamber of Commerce in South Africa in the time I
was desperately looking for a trustworthy person to assist me in this
confidential business.
my late father, Jonas savimbi was able to deposit a large sum of money
in differnt banks in europe My father is presently death and the movement
of his family members (including me) is restricted. We are forbidden
to either travel abroad or out of our localities.
Presently, the
US$25,600,000.00 twentyfive, MILLION, six HUNDRED DOLLARS my father
transfered to
Netherlands is safe and is in a security firm. I am therefore soliciting
your
help tohave this money transfered into your account. before my government
get
wind of this fund .You know my father was a rebel leader in Angola
before his death My reason for doing this is because it will be difficult
for the Angolan government to trace my father's money to an individual's
account, especially when such an individual has no relationship ,I decided
to keep that money for my family use. At present the money is kept in a
Security Company in nertherland.
I am currently and temporarily living in Angola with my husband.
Moreover the political climatein Angola at the moment being so sensitive
and unstable.
When you are ready i will give you the information needed before you can get
access
to the fund you will then proceed to Netherlands where the US$25,600,000.00
twentyfive, MILLION, six HUNDRED DOLLARS will be given to you as payment.
Alternatively, you can have the fund transferred into any account that suits
you.
and for your co-operation and partnership, we have unanimously agreed that
you will
be entitled to 5.5% of the money when successfully receive it in your
account.
The nature of your business is not relevant to the successful execution of
this
transaction. kindly provide me with all your contacts addresses including
your personal telephone and fax number.
All correspondence is for the attention of my counsel:joseph edward.
Kindly get back to us.
Sandra Savimbi.
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This particular piece of spam languished in my inbox for over a week. Why I didn't delete it out of hand
I may never know. Regardless, stumbling upon this e-mail again one day I got a wild hair and jotted off this reply:
From: Mark Vatsaas
To: "SANDRA SAVIMBI"
Dear Ms. savimbi,
First, allow me to extend my deepest sympathies for the passing of your
father. Rest assured that his death will be mourned by many in this country,
as well as Angola, for his deeds were mighty and various, and the whole
world will strain in its bladder control to produce another like him.
I apologize for the long delay in answering your e-mail. Normal I respond to
unsolicited e-mail correspondence without delay. However, at the time that
your e-mail arrived, I was out of the country receiving extensive training
in the bi-tonal throat singing techniques of outer Mongolia. I hope that the
delay in responding to your inquiry has not jeopordized my opportunity to
assist you in this matter.
I am pleased that my long-standing affiliation with the "World Business
Journal" and the Johannesburg Chamber of Commerce has led you to my door,
for I am certain that I shall be able to provide the services you require,
and many more. Perhaps you are not familiar with all my qualifications.
Please allow me to elaborate on my curriculum vitae. In addition to the
numerous magazine subscriptions and dubious business dealings on the African
subcontinent of which you are already aware, I am also the sole heir to the
kingdom of Khotanny - a small land mass situated in the middle of the ocean
of my own meandering thoughts. As royalty, I have diplomatic immunity in
many countries including the Netherlands, which is currently the home of
your father's foiled fortune. This is good news for you, as I shall be able
to pass through the walls of the bank in which your father's funds are
deposited and spirit away the money post-haste. I am also capable of turning
a peculiar shade of mauve.
I do have one question in regards to the fee you have proposed, which is a
flat percentage of the monies to be transferred with my naive assistance,
should I prove credulous to your proposed imposture. The base amount, from
which the percentage is to be calculated, has been expressed in a pair of
contravening formats. Could you please clarify the proper base amounts, as
your initial estimates are at variance to the amount of 599,400 dollars.
Also, as it appears that there will, in fact, be two related but still
separate transactions, I expect to collect two fees - one for each service
rendered.
It is typically my policy to meet prospective business partners in person
before entering into a such a taradiddle as this. Please let me know when
you could meet, at your earliest convenience, in my corn field located 78
miles NNW of Salina, Kansas. I have several recent crop circles I should
like to show you, as well as the incision the aliens made in my brain during
my captivity.
I am afraid I am unable to provide you with a phone or fax number at this
time, as I will be spending most of this week in orbit of Ganymede. However,
I should be able to manange a seance during that time, and thus perhaps I
can make the arrangments directly with your father.
I look forward to further correspondence,
Your faithful servant,
Mark Aurelius Maximus Potentius Extraneous Appendageous Vatsaas
(As you can see, I have provided my full name, known only to me and my other
personalities, as proof of my sincerity.)
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Sadly, by the time I sent this reply, Ms. savimbi's e-mail address had mysteriously been deleted, no doubt at the hands of the Angolan tyranny. The savimbi fortune is, I am certain, still in limbo somewhere in "netherland."
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