Dogbert Answers RTV Email Letter Number 7

Diehard fans of the Dilbert comic strip know that all inane letters to author Scott Adams are answered by his razor-witted creation, Dogbert. Rick, Brad, and Mark thought it would be really cool if they could solicit Dogbert to do the same for them - and then realized that Dogbert is only a cartoon character. But if Dogbert were available to answer RTV email, we believe it would look something like the responses shown below:

If you have never received a solicitation from an anonymous Nigerian promising a share of an outrageous fortune, consider yourself lucky. The goal of these scams range from "merely" draining your savings account to luring you to an African country where you are kidnapped and held ransom. Mark was the first one of us to actually respond to one of these emails, and it's hilarious. Check it out [HERE!].

The rest of us get the generic SPAMs all the time, but this one showed a hint of ingenuity - so we just couldn't leave it alone.

It really isn't too hard to keep track of all the Vatsaas family members - there aren't many of them, as the family name originated with our granddad and his brother - so with reasonable assurance that this is another scam, Brad crafted this reply:

From: Bradley Vatsaas Sent: Tuesday, April 06, 2004 12:04 PM To: lcochambers@webmail.bmi.net Subject: RE: Estate Of Late Engr. M Vatsaas Attention: The esteemed Barrister, Leonard C. Opara My dear Mr. Opara, Thank you most kindly for your continued diligence in this matter. The tale of your tireless investigation is almost compelling. I can only imagine the endless frustration involved in finding a close relative of the late M. Vatsaas. Ours is an uncommon family name, further complicated by the fact that most of our relations reside in Norway - so finding a United States citizen named Vatsaas must certainly have been unlike finding a needle in a haystack. (This is an American expression. It is a euphemism for a difficult search.) You may be interested to know that the late M. Vatsaas is my brother Mark. I'm sure you will agree that the tidings of his death, along with news of the death of his wife and children, was overwhelmingly heinous and a remarkable surprise sending me to edge of flabbergastion. Since hearing the news my heart has been broken beyond repair, my brain has pressed relentlessly against my skull, and my bladder is full to bursting. (Another American expression depicting extreme grief.) It is now I who must share a bit of uncheerless news. I have already previously been rendered senseless by learning of Mark's untimely passing. The U. S. Embassy in Nigeria wired news of the accident on the Lekki Aja express-road in August 2002, sometime after your inquiry there. Embassy personnel also made me aware of the large deposits at "BANK OF AFRICA PLC" (an affiliate of Commercial Bank of Africa) and through my attorneys here in the U.S. I was able to repatriate the entire $11 million dollars and close the accounts. Lest you doubt my sincerity, I encourage you to contact the BANK OF AFRICA PLC and inquire about the deposits there in the name of M. Vatsaas. No doubt you will learn that no account exists there at this time. It will be in your best interest to monitor the operations of BANK OF AFRICA PLC more closely in the future, as they have apparently done an end-run (an American football expression meaning, ironically, 'end-run') and excluded you from the transaction altogether. Allegorically, the fees to my American lawyers were considerably less than the 60% commission that you originally suggested. Competent legal expertise must be indeed rare in Lagos, Nigeria for you to command such exorbitant remuneration. You should be additionally exultant to perambulate that the Shell Development Company also carried substantial accident and life insurance policies on my brother. I was listed as the primary beneficiary after Mark's wife and children, and inherited another $3.5 million from his estate. Through shrewd investing this combined fortune has increased to nearly $14.5 million over the past year. You will agree that this windfall is enough to have me twitching like a frat boy on prom night (another American expression suggesting extreme arousal). I am disappointed deeply that your countrymen have proven to be so devious in their dealings as to take advantage of a barrister as assiduous and pie-eyed as yourself. I feel it is my solemn duty to make amends, and would like to offer you a commission of 10%, or $1.1 million American. I know you will agree that this is uncommonly munificent compensation considering your lackadaisical performance and unpunctillious results. I should like to conclude the transaction directly to your personal bank account via electronic transfer, if I would. The transfer is risk free on both sides. If you find this proposal acceptable, I shall require the following documents: your banker's name, telephone, account and fax numbers. your private telephone and fax numbers -- for confidentiality and easy communication. your letter-headed paper stamped and signed. Alternatively my accountants will furnish you with the text of what to type into your letter-headed paper, along with a breakdown explaining, comprehensively what we require of you. The business will take us thirty (30) working days to accomplish. Reply me through my alternative email address: { rtv@vatsaas.org } Industriously yours, Bradley A. Vatsaas, DMA

I'm not hopeful for a reply. However slim as it may be, there's always the chance that greed may compell our friend Leonard to grant me access to his bank accounts. This might be even easier than it looks.

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